| THE PHANTOM MENACE OF THE OPERA
As our story opens, Obi Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn are in their spaceship, having just arrived for negotiations with the Trade Federation.
OBI-WAN
I have a bad feeling about this.
QUI-GON
I don't sense anything.
OBI-WAN
It's not about the mission, Master, it's something...elsewhere...elusive.
CHRISTINE
(enters through far doors, looks appraisingly at the 2 Jedi who whip around and activate their lightsabers. She stares, entranced, at the sabers)
OBI-WAN
(suddenly inspired, lowers his lightsaber and steps toward Christine as if hypnotised)
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I Love You more and more. . .
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
Gas begins streaming out of the vents in the wall. The 2 Jedi look at each other and run from the room.
CHRISTINE
(looks after them, then sings)
Think of me,
Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try.
THE PHANTOM
(Appears and grabs Christine as she is fainting. There is a flash of red flame and they disappear through a hole in the floor just as battle droids begin to appear through the haze.)
CHRISTINE
(Comes to by herself in a strange hallway.)
Where am I?
MEG
(arrives out of breath)
Where in the world have you been hiding?
CHRISTINE
I – I don’t know. There were candles all ar- no that’s not right. There were two men –
MEG
Your face, it’s white.
CHRISTINE
I think it’s residue from that gas.
MEG
We need to get you to your room.
INT – CHRISTINE’S ROOM, NIGHT
RAOUL
(entering)
Little Lotte said –
CHRISTINE
(turning quickly with a scowl)
This is NOT her dressing room anymore. They gave it to ME!
RAOUL
(Stopping, surprised)
Wha-?
CHRISTINE
Raoul?? Oh, Raoul! I thought it was someone looking for Carlotta. What have you done to your hair?
RAOUL
Let’s go to supper.
CHRISTINE
(head cocked to one side, squinting at Raoul’s hair)
One of those other men had long hair, but somehow it worked on him. . .
RAOUL
Um, I have to get my hat. (leaves)
All the candles flicker and go out.
OBI-WAN
(entering)
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you.
PHANTOM
(was becoming visible in the mirror, now sighs disgustedly and withdraws)
OBI-WAN
Who was that fop I saw leaving your room just now?
CHRISTINE
He’s not a fop!
OBI-WAN
Well, he looked like a slave of fashion to me.
Outside in the hallway we hear a metallic clanking and clicking.
OBI-WAN (Cont.)
Uh-oh! Destroyers! (He ignites his lightsaber and runs out the door.)
PHANTOM
(starts becoming visible in the mirror again but we hear OBI-WAN coming back up the hall. THE PHANTOM makes a noise of disgust)
I don’t have TIME for this! (smashes mirror and drags Christine through. They disappear just as Raoul comes running back into the room wearing a big hat to hide his hair. Seconds later, a destroyer droid (droideka) rolls into the room, unfolds and chambers a round in each gun – this is a little odd, since they are laser guns, but hey, that’s Hollywood for ya – both are aimed at Raoul. He screams and runs from the room.)
****
INSTALLMENT II
CHRISTINE and PHANTOM walk down the stairs. (Music: DUN!!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!! etc. ) PHANTOM glances at his pocket-watch and snorts with disgust. He picks CHRISTINE up and runs the rest of the way to the boat. Fortunately 1)he’s in great shape (or as Stony would say, “bu – uff”)and 2) CHRISTINE is a twig, so he doesn’t even break a sweat.
CHRISTINE
(a little unsteadily as she is jolted by PHANTOM’S running)
In sleep he sa-a-a-ang to me
In dreams he ca a-a-a-a ame –
Hey, look, it’s that guy again!
PHANTOM
(glancing over his shoulder)
Oh for the love of all that is unholy!
(he sets CHRISTINE down and turns, shielding her, to face OBI-WAN)
OBI-WAN
(looking ‘round PHANTOM and waggling his eyebrows at CHRISTINE)
I'll be your Rock if you'll be my Doris
PHANTOM
(draws his sword)
No! There’ll be none of that! Her chains are still mine, she belongs to ME!
OBI-WAN ignites his lightsaber and RAOUL comes running in, just buckling on his sword belt.
RAOUL
Christine! My Angel!
PHANTOM
(to CHRISTINE)
I do hope he means you.
RAOUL
(draws his sword perilously close to OBI-WAN’S head)
Unhand her, Fiend!
In a flash, OBI-WAN reacts by smoothly lopping RAOUL’S sword off at the hilt, but at the same time he loses his grip on the lightsaber, which splashes into the lake.
During this distraction, PHANTOM tosses CHRISTINE in the boat, leaps in after her and swiftly poles the boat around the corner and out of sight.
OBI-WAN
(patting his robe and tunic pockets)
Where is that blasted re-breather?
A long tentacle appears briefly in the lake, disappearing quickly back under the water. An eyeball on a stalk pops up and looks at OBI-WAN and RAOUL, then slips back into the lake.
OBI-WAN
On second thought. . .
RAOUL
Why are you following Christine?
OBI-WAN
(makes Force hand movement)
I’m not following Christine.
RAOUL
(monotone)
You’re not following Christine.
OBI-WAN
(with another Force gesture)
You need to go home and re-think your life.
RAOUL
(monotone)
I need to go home and rethink my life. (leaves)
CUT TO PHANTOM’S LAIR – INT, NIGHT (well, it’s always night down there, isn’t it?)
PHANTOM is just beaching the boat and getting out. CHRISTINE is watching him, enchanted. PHANTOM takes CHRISTINE’S hand and helps her ashore.
PHANTOM
Nighttime sharpens,
Heightens each sensation – Oh give me a BLOODY BREAK!
ANAKIN (EPISODE III ANAKIN that is) has just stepped out from the shadows.
CHRISTINE
Anakin!
PHANTOM
(doing a double take at CHRISTINE)
You know this man?
(frowns)
CHRISTINE
Anakin, you’re so – grown up!
(smiles coyly)
And the long hair – it works on you, too.
PHANTOM
What are you doing here?
ANAKIN
The Jedi have assigned me to protect Miss Daae.
CHRISTINE
Are you Bad Anakin or Good Anakin?
ANAKIN
(leers)
Why don’t you come and find out?
(With a gentle clinking noise a tentacle pushes OBI-WAN’S lightsaber onto the pebbled beach. PHANTOM steps casually down to the water’s edge and picks it up. He shakes it off and ignites it. It splutters and fizzles for a couple of seconds, then hums strongly to life. He turns to face ANAKIN, who ignites his own saber and they begin to duel. CHRISTINE gets back into the boat where there’s less chance of getting an arm lopped off. She wisely remembers that someone loses an arm in all but one of the SW films.)
CHRISTINE
There’s nothing more manly then two hunks fighting it out over a woman. (sighs) And this is so much better than the girly fight in Bridget Jones, though that WAS funny.
MEN
(dueling)
RRRRGH! AH! GAR! OOF! ARRRGH! GURGH!
CHRISTINE
(now eating popcorn)
Hmm – needs more butter.
ANAKIN
AAAAAAAAAAAGH! (As his arm splashes into the water beside the boat. He passes out.)
CHRISTINE screams and faints
PHANTOM lifts CHRISTINE from the boat and takes her to the phoenix bed. Harry Potter Music starts playing, but he silences it with a sudden, impatient movement of one hand.
PHANTOM
You alone can make my song take flight,
Help me make the music of the – night.
*****
INSTALLMENT III
CHRISTINE awakens in the phoenix bed and rises. Her hair is unnaturally tidy, her dress unnaturally unwrinkled, her makeup unnaturally intact. She wanders out to where PHANTOM is composing a tune that has a strangely John Williams-y flavour.
CHRISTINE
I remember there was mist ...
swirling mist upon a vast, glassy lake ...
PHANTOM glances up and looks back at her over his shoulder.
CHRISTINE (Cont.)
There was swordplay all around,
and in the lake there was a beast,
and by the beast there was a man ...
Who was that shape in the shadows?
Whose is the face in the mask?
ANAKIN looks up sharply from the floor where he is still lying. He puts his remaining hand to his face with an odd expression, then shakes his head as if to clear it. CHRISTINE steps over Anakin and crosses to PHANTOM. She touches his face gently, then removes the mask. We hear DARTH VADER BREATHING and another very odd expression crosses ANAKIN’S face. He shakes his head again and DARTH VADER’S BREATHING stops.
PHANTOM
D*** you!
You little prying
Pandora! –
(quietly, musingly)
Pandora. . .
Pandora. . .
(glances across his lair to where Pandora’s Box from Tomb Raider II lies open on his desk. He shakes his head.)
PHANTOM (Cont.)
(loud again)
You little demon - is this what you wanted to see?
ANAKIN
(looks around)
Where’s my lightsaber? Oh no, Obi-Wan is going to KILL me!
PHANTOM
(to CHRISTINE)
Come, those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.
ANAKIN
(making a Force hand movement)
I need transportation.
PHANTOM
Fool! That only works on the weak-minded.
CHRISTINE
(monotone)
He needs transportation. . .
ANAKIN
(waving his arm stump)
Have some compassion.
PHANTOM
(drawing his sword and setting the tip at ANAKIN’S throat)
The world had no compassion for ME!
ANAKIN
OK, fine! I’ll just make myself at home here.
PHANTOM
Ah. . . Into the dinghy, Flyboy!
CHRISTINE hops in beside ANAKIN and looks coyly at him. She’s reaching up to touch his hair when PHANTOM, grinding his teeth, shoves the boat away from shore with more force than necessary. CHRISTINE falls to the bottom of the boat.
ANAKIN
(looking strangely at a striped bag on the seat next to him)
Popcorn?
(He throws it into the lake, which starts bubbling around the bag. A tentacle grabs the bag and pulls it under.)
CUT TO OPERA HOUSE – INT, DAY
OBI-WAN and C3PO are comparing NOTES.
C3PO
Oh dear! It seems I’ve got one, too. . .
OBI-WAN
(reading/singing)
Dear Obi, what a charming gala
Christine is far beyond all price
But you Jedi must go
As you ought to know
Bodyguards aren’t needed
‘Twould be better if you heeded my advice!
C3PO
(reading his own note)
Dear Threepie just a brief reminder
My salary has not been paid
Send the Jedi away
Or you’ll REALLY pay
P.T.O.
No one likes a debtor
So it’s better if my orders are obeyed!
RAOUL
(rushing in)
Where IS she?
OBI-WAN
You mean Chewbacca?
RAOUL
I mean Miss Daae.
(enunciating more clearly)
Where IS she?
C3PO
Well how should we know?
RAOUL
I want an answer. I take it that you sent me this note.
OBI-WAN
What’s all this nonsense?
(Force hand gesture)
Of course not!
RAOUL
She’s not with you then?
OBI-WAN
(Force hand gesture)
Of course not!
CHEWBACCA enters.
CHEWBACCA
(sort of singing)
ARRRRRglegarglegargledygar!
RAOUL jumps back, astonished. OBI-WAN looks at CHEWBACCA and nods his head knowingly while pointing at RAOUL. CHEWBACCA flaps his note threateningly at RAOUL, roaring. OBI-WAN steps forward and takes the note.
OBI-WAN
(reading/singing)
"Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable nature,
detailing how my theatre is to be run. You have not followed my instructions.
I shall give you one last chance . . ."
Christine Daae has returned to you,
and I am anxious her career should progress.
In the new production of "Il Moulin", you will therefore cast Chewbacca
as the Pageboy, and put Miss Daae in the role of Countess.
The role which Miss Daae plays calls for charm and appeal.
The role of the Pageboy is silent -
which makes my casting, in a word, ideal.
CHEWBACCA roars angrily
CUT TO OPERA HOUSE – INT, NIGHT
The performance of Il Moulin is underway. CHEWBACCA is roaring away onstage. The audience all has their hands over their ears.
PHANTOM
(interrupting, and magically loud enough to drown out Chewbacca)
Did I not instruct that box 5 was to be kept empty?
5 DROIDEKAS roll out onto the stage and unfold, aiming at various actors and actresses. There is a DEADLY SILENCE.
CHRISTINE
He’s here: The Phantom of the Opera! (runs offstage)
CUT TO STAIRWELL – INT, NIGHT
CHRISTINE and RAOUL are running up the stairs. ANAKIN leaps out from the shadows, barring their way.
CHRISTINE
Anakin! Is it true that you’ve gone to the Dark Side? Obi-Wan has been telling me terrible things about you.
ANAKIN
I’m doing it all for you, my love – to save you.
CHRISTINE
Don’t you see that you’re going down a path that I can’t follow? (sobbing) Anakin, you’re breaking my heart. I love you!
RAOUL looks at her, appalled.
ANAKIN
Then what is HE doing here? (jabs roughly at RAOUL) Liar!
(starts to use the Force to choke CHRISTINE, but RAOUL leaps at him with his sword, breaking his concentration. RAOUL whips his sword around a bit and then slices the right side of ANAKIN’S face above and below his eye. This will leave a permanent scar.)
CUT TO THE ROOF – EXT, NIGHT
RAOUL
No more talk
of Dark Side,
Forget these
wide-eyed fears.
I'm here,
nothing can harm you -
my words will
warm and calm you.
(etc.)
ANAKIN staggers out onto the rooftop unnoticed. He approaches R2-D2 who is waiting patiently beside their ship.
ANAKIN
(to Artoo)
Then say you'll share with
me one
goal, one mission . . .
Let me lead you
on a Jedi quest . . .
Say you'll fix my hyperdrive
This moment
You alone can make this ship take flight
Artoo, that’s all I ask of yoooooouuuuuu!
R2-D2
(whistles back his part of the tune)
R2-D2 and ANAKIN board their ship and blast off.
*****
INSTALLMENT IV
PHANTOM is on the roof, having overheard the whole RAOUL/CHRISTINE thing and looking like he’s been kicked in the stomach because that little hussy -- **ahem, excuse me.** Fortunately for us all, Jar-Jar Binks enters stage right and. . .
JAR-JAR
Christine!! Oh Christiiiiine! Mesa so tryinta find you!
PHANTOM
(Steps out of the shadows, cape swirling, in front of Jar-Jar)
Who are YOU?!
JAR-JAR
Mesa Jar-Jar Binks. Mesa so smilin’ ta see yousa!
PHANTOM
(frowning, obviously confused)
What??
JAR-JAR
Mesa lookinta find dat singin’ girl.
PHANTOM
(slowly, clearly, a bit loudly)
Parlez-vous Francais?
JAR-JAR
Whassa dat yousa sayin’?
PHANTOM
Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Jar-Jar
Mesa no knowin what yousa sayin’ Meesta Swirly Cape.
PHANTOM
Jong-wen? Espanol? Hanguk? Italiano?
Jar-Jar
Mesa muy muy lovin’ Miss Christine!
A look of rage slowly crosses PHANTOM’S face as he realizes what JAR-JAR is saying. He pulls out the lightsaber and ignites it, looking dangerously at JAR-JAR.
JAR-JAR
(clueless, of course)
Oooooh! Pretty!
PHANTOM lunges forward, swiftly and gracefully carving the Gungan into tiny little pieces. It is a thing of utmost beauty to behold.
CUT TO OPERA HOUSE BALLROOM - INT, NIGHT
CHORUS/CANTINA CROWD
Masquerade!
Different species on parade
Masquerade!
Hide your face so the Sith will never find you
Masquerade!
Every face a different shade
Masquerade!
Look around, there's another clone behind you.
Flash of red, splash of blue
Lord and Sith, old is new
Green and black, Yoda’s back
Trace of scales, face of Dak
Faces!
Take your turn, take a ride
On the merry-go-round
In an inhuman race
Chrome and gold, dome of blue
True is false, who is who?
Lekku swing, nexus slash
Neighbours clash, sabers flash
Faces!
Drink it in, drink it up
Till you've drowned
In the light
In the sound
CHRISTINE and RAOUL
But who can name the face?
CHRISTINE
Think of it! A secret engagement!
RAOUL
But why is it secret?
RANDOM SCOTTISH GIRL
(dancing past)
Girls LOVE secrets, Frankie!
RAOUL
Frankie?
CHRISTINE
Oh, look! It’s Obi-Wan!
OBI-WAN
Though I am nothing to her
Though she must rarely look at me
And though I could never woo her
I love her till I die.
CHRISTINE and OBI-WAN
Surely you heard My Lady
Go down the garden singing
Silencing all the songbirds
And setting the alleys ringing...
OBI-WAN places his hand on CHRISTINE’S shoulder. She falters and falls silent. Raoul puts his hand to his sword – or would but it isn’t there.
OBI-WAN (Cont.)
But surely you see My Lady
Out in the garden there
Rivaling the glittering sunshine
With a glory of golden hair.
* * *
INSTALLMENT V
As OBI-WAN finishes his song, RAOUL shoves him away from CHRISTINE (who is dressed as PRINCESS LEIA IN SLAVE GIRL COSTUME) hard with both hands. OBI-WAN goes for his lightsaber before remembering that he lost it in the lake. Using the Force, he does a high, twisting, flipping jump, landing behind RAOUL. RAOUL spins around just in time to get a vicious side-kick in the chest which sends him flying backwards. CHRISTINE screams musically. With great murmuring, the CROWD draws back to the edges of the room. RAOUL gets slowly to his feet, hand to his chest. CHRISTINE sobs and starts to rush forward, but OBI-WAN has already launched himself toward RAOUL. RAOUL grabs a plastic, telescoping lightsaber from a man near him in a Darth Vader costume. OBI-WAN grabs a Nimbus 2000 from a guy dressed like Harry Potter. They clatter back and forth across the ballroom floor, fencing with their newly acquired weapons. OBI-WAN gets in a few nice kicks, but RAOUL’S no slouch and gets in a few of his own. Enter DARTH MAUL. Actually he was already there in a powdered wig and with a white sequined/feathered mask, but he drops his disguise and activates his double lightsaber. Both OBI-WAN and RAOUL stop and turn to face him, plastic saber and broomstick at the ready.
DARTH MAUL
Hisssss!
OBI-WAN
You!
RAOUL
Phantom?
DARTH MAUL steps forward, twirling his saber. OBI-WAN jumps forward and axe kicks (a kick that strikes down with the heel from above) the saber in the centre, breaking it in two. The two halves go spinning across the floor in opposite directions, leaving a trail of destruction and a few body parts in their wakes. RAOUL springs after one and OBI-WAN after the other. They both charge back toward DARTH MAUL and in an instant they reduce him to an icky mess on the floor. OBI-WAN and RAOUL both switch their sabers off. All is silent.
DRUMBEAT
PHANTOM
Why so silent, good messieurs?
RAOUL looks from the mess on the floor that had until so recently been DARTH MAUL, to PHANTOM and narrows his eyes.
PHANTOM (Cont.)
Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed me, good messieurs?
I have written you an opera!
Here I bring the finished score
"Don Han Triumphant!”
Fondest greetings to you all!
A few instructions just before rehearsal starts:
Chewbacca must be taught to act, not his normal trick
of strutting round the stage.
Our Don Han must loosen up –
(PHANTOM pokes at HAN FROZEN IN CARBONITE with the tip of his sword.)
it's not healthy in a man of Solo's age.
And my managers must learn that their place is in an office, not the arts.
As for Miss Christine Daae ...
No doubt she'll do her best - it's true her voice is good.
She knows, though, should she wish to excel
she has much still to learn, if pride will let her return to me
Her teacher, her teacher ...
(PHANTOM grabs CHRISTINE’S SLAVE GIRL COSTUME neck chain and uses two hands to snap it in half as if it were only thread)
Your chains are still mine
You belong to ME!
THE CROWD gasps.
RAOUL reactivates his lightsaber and rushes toward PHANTOM, who disappears through the floor in a flash of fire. RAOUL hurls himself down the hole just before it closes and lands in the MAZE OF MIRRORS but the lightsaber is so brightly reflected in all the mirrored surfaces surrounding him, that he is temporarily blinded.
RAOUL
Aaaaagh! (throws up a hand to shield his eyes and deactivates the saber)
OBI-WAN’S lightsaber (which was last in PHANTOM’S possession) drops through the ceiling of the maze in a Punjab lasso, twirling dangerously and filling the room with blinding blue light reflected from all the mirrors.
We hear PHANTOM’S MANIACAL LAUGHTER.
RAOUL
Aaaaaaagh! (throws up a hand to shield his eyes.)
MADAME GIRY
(enters with paper 3-D glasses held to her eyes and presses a second pair into RAOUL’S hand)
Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!
RAOUL raises the glasses to his eyes and creeps out after MADAME GIRY.
CUT TO EXT. OPERA HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
CHRISTINE
(to CABMAN)
I’ll be down in a moment.(exits)
We hear DARTH VADER’S breathing and the hum of a lightsaber and the cabby falls in 2 pieces in the snow. With a swirl of his cape, DARTH VADER takes the place of the CABMAN. PHANTOM comes on the scene a moment later and does a double take at VADER in the CABMAN’S seat, throws up his hands and shakes his head slightly in disbelief. PHANTOM puts his hand to his sword, then, inspired, hides instead in the back of the carriage.
CHRISTINE arrives and climbs into the carriage, inches from PHANTOM, who is hidden on the floor beneath a large rug.
CUT TO EXT. GRAVEYARD – LATE AFTERNOON
PHANTOM and VADER
(emerging from around opposite sides of the mausoleum)
Wandering child
(VADER and PHANTOM look at each other, but then back at CHRISTINE and continue without missing a beat)
so lost
so helpless
yearning for my
guidance
CHRISTINE
(bewildered and looking up from one to the other)
Angel . . . or father . . .
friend . . . or
Phantom . . . ?
Who is it there,
staring . . . ?
VADER and PHANTOM approach each other, arms folded over their chests.
RAOUL
(entering on horseback, shouting)
Christine!
(he sees PHANTOM and VADER and brings the horse to a sliding halt)
CHRISTINE
Raoul!
VADER and PHANTOM both look at RAOUL, then back at each other and nod curtly. BOTH take out a lightsaber. VADER has constructed a new lightsaber with a red blade, PHANTOM still has OBI-WAN’S blue one with which he had taunted RAOUL in the Maze of Mirrors. BOTH ignite their lightsabers and jump/soar down the full length of the mausoleum steps, capes flying out behind them.
RAOUL draws his saber but VADER uses the Force to start throwing statues and urns at him.
PHANTOM
(nods and chuckles appreciatively)
CHRISTINE
(Watching, aghast)
NO!
VADER
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. . .
RAOUL
(still getting bombarded with stuff, ducking, dodging)
Christine! Don’t listen to him! Whatever you believe, he’s not your father!
RAOUL gets clonked hard by a big chunk of statue and staggers. Two more pieces hit him and he falls.
CHRISTINE
(rushing forward to put herself between RAOUL and the direction from which all the STUFF is coming)
No! Not like this!
VADER
Very well.
VADER leaps astride the horse. PHANTOM lifts CHRISTINE by the waist and tosses her lightly onto the horse behind VADER, then leaps easily on behind her. Fortunately, it’s a big horse. They ride off.
RAOUL
(Looking angrily after VADER and PHANTOM)
Now let it be war upon you BOTH!
(to be continued. . .)
****
INSTALLMENT VI
EXT. OPERA HOUSE – EVENING
PHANTOM, CHRISTINE and DARTH arrive on horseback. MADAME GIRY is waiting impatiently outside.
MADAME GIRY
(sternly)
You were supposed to have her back an hour ago.
PHANTOM
(dismounting and lifting CHRISTINE easily to the ground)
My apologies, Madam. There was a small matter we had to settle first.
VADER
(under his breath)
The weak-minded little fop!
CHRISTINE
He is NOT a fop!
MADAME GIRY
(gently)
Christine, my dear, even you have to admit that he IS a bit of a slave to fashion.
CHRISTINE makes a wry face and sighs.
MADAME GIRY (Cont.)
And that HAIR!
CHRISTINE
I don’t understand. It really works on Obi-Wan. And Anakin – oooh la la!
VADER(still on horseback) turns to face CHRISTINE directly and inclines his head in acknowledgement.
CHRISTINE
(blushing and putting a hand to her mouth)
Oh. . .
PHANTOM
(mutters under his breath incoherently, then to VADER)
Come, we have work to do.
(jumps astride the horse again and they canter off)
INT. OPERA HOUSE - NIGHT
RAOUL
We have all been blind
And yet the answer is staring us in the face
This could be the chance
To ensnare our clever friends.
C3PO
We're listening...
OBI-WAN
Go on.
RAOUL
We shall play their game
Perform the work, but remember we hold the ace
For if Miss Daae sings
They are certain to attend
OBI-WAN
We are certain the doors are barred.
C3PO
We are certain the Jedi are there.
RAOUL
We are certain they're armed.
RAOUL/OBI-WAN/C3PO
The curtain falls
Their reign will end!
INT. PHANTOM’S LAIR – NIGHT
PHANTOM and VADER are trying out each other’s cloaks for effect, swishing and flourishing them.
PHANTOM
This has a marvellous sweep!
VADER
(reaching down to lift up hem of cape and pointing out areas along the hem to PHANTOM)
There are small weights in the hemline. They add a certain drama to the flare.
PHANTOM
(nodding)
Ahhh, I see, yes!
VADER
The lining on this is quite impressive. Is it real silk?
PHANTOM
Only the best!
Do you mind telling me about-- (motions at his own mask, indicating that he’d like to know about VADER’S mask)
VADER
Ah, yes. It’s a prosthesis, actually. Third and fourth degree burns, so the whole helmet is part of an integrated life-support system which includes hyperbaric oxygen therapy.
You?
PHANTOM
Very impressive. Mine? (snorts disgustedly) Nothing as fascinating as all that. Birth defect. A face even a mother couldn’t love, apparently.
VADER
(shaking his head)
Tragic. My mother was an angel. She died because I wasn’t strong enough to save her.
PHANTOM
And your father?
VADER
I never had one. You?
PHANTOM
(shakes his head curtly)
No.
VADER
So, you and Miss Daae – do you have an understanding?
PHANTOM
Indeed. Though she seems to forget it when that young fop comes around.
I gave her my music . . .
made her song take wing . . .
and now, how she’s
repaid me:
denied me
and betrayed me . . .
VADER
(bristling)
I, too, have tasted betrayal. Padme betrayed me with Obi-Wan. I believed him to be my friend. But I know he spent time with her while I was on an assignment for the Jedi. I could sense it when I came back. And then she brought him to Mustafar to kill me. And yet, I love her still.
PHANTOM
I shall never properly understand women. What can Christine possibly see in Raoul?
VADER
That contemptible worm! I should have finished him off in the graveyard, but I did not want to upset Miss Daae.
PHANTOM
Women are so easily affected by such things. With the exception of Madame Giry, that is. Oh!
(looks at pocket watch)
She’s going to be very angry if I am late again.
VADER
I shall not stand between you and Miss Daae, but I think I will stay to watch the fun. Perhaps young Raoul will attempt to occupy the same space as my lightsaber blade.
(evil laugh)
PHANTOM
(grins)
Seal my fate tonight
I hate to have to cut the fun short
But the joke's wearing thin
Let the audience in
Let my opera begin!
*****
INSTALLMENT VII
CHORUS/CANTINA CROWD
Here the sire may serve the dam, here the master takes his meat! Here the sacrificial lamb utters one despairing bleat.
CARLOTTA AND CHORUS/CANTINA CROWD
Poor young maiden! For the thrill on your tongue of stolen sweets, you will have to pay the bill- tangled in the winding sheets! Serve the meal and serve the maid! Serve the master so that, when tables, plans and maids are laid Don Han triumphs once again!
PASSARINO
I your truly faithful friend will once again recite the part. Your young guest believes I'm you- I, the master, you the art.
DON HAN (SOLO)
(silent – he’s still frozen in carbonite)
PASSARINO
When we met, I wore your cloak, she could not have seen my face. She believes she’s all alone in her master's empty place! Furtively, she’ll scoff and quaff, stealing what in truth is yours. When it's late and modesty slips with wine and petit fours –
(dramatic pause)
-“you” come home! I use your voice- slam the door like crack of doom! You shall say, "Come hide with me! Where oh where? Of course my room!"
DON HAN (SOLO)
(does nothing)
PASSARINO
(putting his hand to his ear)
She comes!
(exits)
AMINTA (CHRISTINE)comes onstage with a duster and walks over to HAN SOLO. She dusts him and the blinking lights on the side of the carbonite block catch her eye. She studies them. Finally, tentatively, she pushes a pulsating red button.
The Carbonite starts to dissolve. A bright white light shines out from within, and then HAN falls into CHRISTINE’S arms, shaking violently. CHRISTINE screams and stares at him.
HAN
(shivering, stammering)
Wha - What’s happening? I c-can’t see.
CHRISTINE continues to hold him, staring at his face. She gently smooths his hair away from his face and gazes at him, entranced.
HAN
Who are you?
CHRISTINE
Someone who loves you.
(lowers her face to his and kisses him)
PHANTOM roars with rage offstage. CHRISTINE stiffens and gasps, clutching HAN even closer.
HAN
It’s Jabba! Quick! Hide me!
HAN staggers to his feet, aided by CHRISTINE. She helps him offstage. Then wanders dreamily back onto the stage, alone.
AMINTA(CHRISTINE)
No thoughts within her head but thoughts of joy. No dreams within her heart, but dreams of love."
PASSARINO
Master?
PHANTOM
(In SOLO’S clothes, masked)
Passarino- go away!
For the trap is set and waits for his prey.
You have come here
In pursuit of your deepest urge
In pursuit of that wish which till now
Has been silent
Silent.
I have brought you
That our passions may fuse and merge
In your mind you've already succumbed to me,
dropped all defenses
Completely succumbed to me
Now you are here with me
No second thoughts
You've decided
Decided
RAOUL
(watching with OBI-WAN and C3PO from box 5, shakes his head)
This is SO confusing!
C3PO
I agree, Sir. I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication, and I believe that musicals are among the most difficult to interpret and understand. At least during the first 3 or 4 viewings.
OBI-WAN
But the lyrics are so clever – and the rhyming – brilliant!
RAOUL
(rising)
I’m not sure what’s happening, but I think I’ll call in the Gendarmes.
OBI-WAN
(Force hand gesture)
You don’t need to call them yet.
RAOUL
(sitting down again)
I don’t need to call them yet.
BACK ONSTAGE. . .
PHANTOM
(approaches CHRISTINE)
Dance?
CHRISTINE
I never dance.
PHANTOM
Well you’ll have to this once. Frankie’s made another bet.
PHANTOM and CHRISTINE dance the Lambada. RAOUL, watching, grows more and more appalled. Finally he’s had enough.
RAOUL
(pointing at PHANTOM)
Gendarmes!! Vite! Arrêtez-le!
PHANTOM
(to CHRISTINE)
Quickly!
(throws his cape around her and nods at VADER on the catwalk, who uses The Force to cause the Chandelier to plunge from the ceiling. PHANTOM shoves a lever with his foot and down they plunge. . .)
CUT TO INT. THE UNDERGROUND PASSAGES OF THE OPERA HOUSE – NIGHT
PHANTOM
(running with CHRISTINE)
You’re a hard act to follow, Christine. You know why you and I get along so well?
CHRISTINE
No.
PHANTOM
We are two of a kind, you and I.
CHRISTINE
(stops running and looks puzzled)
We are nothing alike.
PHANTOM
I don’t think we’re alike, but I do think we’re a pair. Opposite sides of the same coin.
(looks at her, then continues)
You’re laughing at me.
CHRISTINE
No, at the fact that I used to find you charming.
PHANTOM
(moving closer, leaning in)
I am charming.
(he kisses CHRISTINE)
CHRISTINE
(when they finally come up for air, sighs)
You’re right.
(kisses him again)
PHANTOM
I’m always right. Come!
(he grabs her hand and they start running again)
*****\
INSTALLMENT VIII
As CHRISTINE and PHANTOM proceed down the passageway, spiraling ever lower, VADER joins them from an adjoining passageway.
VADER
Is Miss Giry with you?
CHRISTINE
Meg?
PHANTOM
No.
VADER looks back over his shoulder as ALL THREE continue to run on.
PHANTOM
Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?
Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!
VADER
Hounded out by everyone!
PHANTOM
Met with hatred everywhere!
VADER
No kind word from anyone!
PHANTOM
No compassion anywhere!
PHANTOM/VADER
Christine!
VADER
Why?
PHANTOM
Why?
CUT TO INT. OPERA HOUSE STAIRCASE – NIGHT
MADAME GIRY is taking RAOUL towards the PHANTOM’S LAIR.
MADAME GIRY
Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!
RAOUL
... at the level of your eyes ...
MADAME GIRY
This is as far as I dare go.
RAOUL
(holding up his paper 3-D glasses to his eyes)
Madame Giry, thank you.
RAOUL continues down and falls through a trapdoor into a tank of water.
RAOUL (Cont.)
Aaaaagh!
RAOUL struggles and thrashes dramatically only to finally stand in water that is only just over his knees. EYEBALL-ON-A-STALK MONSTER snakes a tentacle toward RAOUL, who pulls out his half of DARTH MAUL’S lightsaber. It sputters and then gives him a powerful shock. He yells, then begins whacking at the tentacle with the lightsaber hilt. The tentacle withdraws. RAOUL looks around twitching with paranoia. We hear a deep, distant CLANKING NOISE and then the walls begin to move inward.
RAOUL
This is not my day.
(pulls out comlink)
Threepio, can you hear me? Threepio? Come in, Threepio!
COMLINK
(silent)
RAOUL
Threepio! Threepio! Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level.
THREEPIO (over COMLINK)
Master Raoul? Oh, Sir! What’s happening?
(whacks a beeping ARTOO on the dome with a CLANK)
Quiet Artoo, I’m trying to speak with Master Raoul.
RAOUL
Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level!
CUT TO ARTOO and THREEPIO OPERA HOUSE INT. CONTROL ROOM
THREEPIO
(to ARTOO)
Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Phantom’s level – no all of them!
ARTOO
(whistles and beeps)
CUT TO RAOUL in WATER TANK
RAOUL
(accidentally reactivates lightsaber and gets another couple of powerful shocks) AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!! AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH!!
CUT TO ARTOO AND THREEPIO OPERA HOUSE INT. CONTROL ROOM
THREEPIO
Oh, no! He’s dying! We were too late!
RAOUL’S VOICE
(from comlink)
It’s all right, Threepio. I’m all right.
THREEPIO
Oh, thank The Maker! You did it Artoo! You saved him!
ARTOO
(whistle, whistle, raspberry)
THREEPIO
(shocked)
What do you mean, “Why?” Honestly R2-D2, I don’t know what’s gotten into you!
CUT TO INT. PHANTOM’S LAIR – NIGHT. THERE IS MIST -- SWIRLING MIST UPON A VAST, GLASSY LAKE. THERE ARE CANDLES ALL AROUND – well – you know. . .
CHRISTINE
(To VADER)
What have you done with RAOUL?
VADER
I have not harmed him. . . Yet. . .
(crosses to guard the closed portcullis, folds his arms across his chest and looks on)
PHANTOM
(with a knowing grin – thinking of RAOUL’S supposed fate in the garbage masher)
I don’t think the fop will be a nuisance to us any longer.
CHRISTINE
(angry now)
Have you gorged yourself at last, in your lust for blood?
Am I now to be prey to your
lust for flesh?
(rips off PHANTOMS mask)
PHANTOM
(stands facing her openly, hiding nothing)
That fate, which condemns me to wallow in blood has also denied me
the joys of the flesh . . .
this face - the infection
which poisons our love . . .
This face, which earned a mother's fear and loathing . . .
A mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing . . .
(CHRISTINE turns away, ashamed)
Pity comes too late - turn around
and face your fate: an eternity of this before your eyes!
CHRISTINE
This haunted face holds no horror for me now . . .
It's in your soul that the true distortion lies . . .
VADER
Wait! I think, my friends, we have a guest.
(There is a great splashing and thrashing as someone comes running through the thigh-deep water, slips and goes under flailing, thrashes and splashes a lot more, partially rises, slips back under, and finally RAOUL stands up outside the portcullis, bedraggled, looking into the PHANTOM’S lair)
CHRISTINE tries to hide a giggle
PHANTOM
(breaks out in a full-out good-humoured laugh – not really spiteful as if he’s laughing at RAOUL – more like RAOUL has just told him the most wonderful joke. He tries very hard to recompose himself)
Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight!
(*snort* shakes head to get a grip)
I had rather hoped that you would come.
And now my wish comes true - you have truly made my night!
(trying very hard not to smile or break out laughing)
RAOUL
(gives PHANTOM a dirty look)
Free her!
Do what you like only free her!
Have you no pity?
(throws out his hands, pleadingly, slips and goes under again - thrash, thrash, thrash – gets up again clearly very frustrated)
PHANTOM
(snorts, laughs again, trying desperately to stop)
Your lover makes a passionate plea!
CHRISTINE
(has been holding it in, but it breaks out in a big snort of laughter and she doubles over, clutching her stomach)
Oh Raoul!
(laughs)
Oh!
(laughs again)
Raoul, I’m sorry – it’s just – well it’s just the timing, and –
(snorts again)
Oh Raoul, I’m sorry.
RAOUL
I love her!
Does that mean nothing?
I love her!
Show some compassion . . .
PHANTOM
The world showed no compassion to me!
RAOUL
Christine . . .
Christine . . . Let me see her. . .
PHANTOM
Be my guest, sir. . .
(nods to VADER, who makes a Force Gesture to raise the portcullis)
VADER
Monsieur, I bid you welcome!
(VADER helps RAOUL get through the entrance without slipping – RAOUL mutters “Thank you.” The portcullis closes behind him.)
Did you think that
He would harm her?
Why should he make her pay for the sins which are yours?
(on the word "yours", VADER uses The Force to lift RAOUL and pin him against the grille of the portcullis, also choking him, but conveniently not enough that he can’t sing his lines)
PHANTOM
Order your fine horses now!
Raise up your hand to the level of your eyes!
Nothing can save you now - except perhaps Christine ...
(to CHRISTINE)
Start a new life with me -
Buy his freedom with your love!
Refuse me, and you send your lover to his death!
(VADER gives an extra squeeze for emphasis and RAOUL makes a choking sound)
This is the choice -
This is the point of no return!
CHRISTINE
The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold, and turn to tears of hate. . .
RAOUL
Christine, forgive me please forgive me. . .
Now for the extremely confusing, 3 part song in which everyone sings different words. VADER watches in much the same way as a spectator at a tennis match, but with dignity.
RAOUL (Cont.)
I did it all for you, and all for nothing. . .
CHRISTINE
Farewell my fallen idol and false friend
We had such hopes
Now all those hopes are shattered
PHANTOM
Past all hope of cries for help: no point in fighting
For either way you choose, you cannot win
RAOUL
For either way you choose, he has to win!
PHANTOM
So, do you end your days with me,
or do you send him to his grave?
(VADER chokes RAOUL a little harder)
RAOUL
Why make her lie to you, to save me?
CHRISTINE
Angel of Music ...
PHANTOM
Past the point of no return –
RAOUL
For pity's sake,
Christine, say no!
CHRISTINE
. . .Who deserves this?
PHANTOM
... the final threshold
RAOUL
...Don't throw your life away for my sake ...
CHRISTINE
Why do you curse mercy?
PHANTOM
His life is now the prize which you must earn!
RAOUL
I fought so hard to free you.
CHRISTINE
Raoul, there’s still good in him. I can feel it.
Angel of Music ...
PHANTOM
You've passed the point of no return
CHRISTINE
... you deceived me -
I gave you my mind blindly ...
PHANTOM
You try my patience - make your choice!
CHRISTINE
(approaching PHANTOM through the water)
Pitiful creature of darkness
What kind of life have you known?
God give me courage to show you
You are not alone. . .
(she kisses PHANTOM, looks at him, says softly)
Your thoughts betray you. I feel the good in you, the conflict.
PHANTOM
There is no conflict.
CHRISTINE
You couldn't bring yourself to kill him before, and I don't believe you'll destroy him now.
(kisses him again)
PHANTOM lookes into her eyes with wonder and then smiles softly. VADER, watching, nods slowly. PHANTOM motions behind himself to VADER, who releases RAOUL.
PHANTOM
Christine – I love you.
CHRISTINE
(just before he kisses her again whispers)
I know.
RAOUL
(furious)
Christine! NO! You belong to ME!
(unthinkingly activates lightsaber again, which shocks him)
AAAAAAAAAGHGHGGGGGGHHH!
PHANTOM
She BELONGS to no one.
CHRISTINE
(to PHANTOM)
But I give you my heart, willingly.
VADER uses The Force to open the portcullis and Raoul stomps out, but slips and falls, thrashes, then rises again and slogs off. A second later, Meg comes running/splashing lightly through the water.
MEG
Quickly! They’re coming! You must hide!
VADER steps forward to MEG and holds out a black-gloved hand.
VADER
Join with us. Together we will rule the universe.
MEG turns to him, awed, then smiles coyly, bites her lip and places her hand in his. PHANTOM picks up a candlestick and smashes five mirrors arrayed around the room, revealing five separate passages. He then slides another mirror open, revealing a sixth passage.
PHANTOM
That will buy us some time.
PHANTOM takes CHRISTINE’S hand, VADER draws MEG after him, they pass through the opening, and the mirror slides closed behind them.
We hear a double duet of “All I Ask of You” fading as the four move away along the passage.
FADE TO BLACK |
